On a Scale of 1 to 10…

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hard is it to raise a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?  The obvious answer is 1,432 because it is MUCH harder than you think, however each day could be rated differently. No matter the number though, it is always HARD.

There are days that fall into the 1 – 5 category.  Days full of shirts not tucked in, fingernails dirty, teeth not brushed, food spilled, dirty dishes, homework battles, inappropriate remarks, small things broken, lies, arguing and small time defiance.  These are a given.  These are EVERY day.  Every. single. day. Then there are days that a scale of 1 to 10 doesn’t even touch the surface. These include behaviors like fits of rage, breaking banisters, pulling wall paper off of walls, reporting parents to authorities, stealing money, cutting arms for attention, stealing weapons, punching holes in walls, throwing furniture, ripping cabinets off of walls, lighting matches and dropping them inside the house, threatening classmates, shoplifting, pornography at school, etc.  These things don’t happen every day, but they happen more often than most RAD parents let on.  Generally speaking, I would say that parenting a RAD kid is usually a 5-6 with a 10+ thrown in here and there.  It is hard.  Always hard. Chronic.

When a doctor asks you to rate your pain and you have to try to figure out a number you want to just scream, “I don’t know, it’s pain!”  We wonder why we have to rate it at all.  The same is true for why you would even struggle with trying to rate your “hard” as you parent your kid with RAD.  “I don’t know, it’s hard!” It’s for perspective.  It’s to see things a little differently.  Maybe objectively instead of emotionally.

I can tell you that yesterday was a 10+, my house & heart have the scars to show it.  But, today he’s in the shower, he’ll go to school and I have hope that it might be a 2 or 3.  More than likely it will be at least a 6 or 7, but I doubt it will be a 10.  That’s something.  That’s progress. We wake each day with a new scale, yes, there is some leftover “hard” from the day before, but generally, we get to start again.  May there be some relief.  May you have a “good” day….shoot for an under 5!

The Discomfort of the Calm

Have you been there?  That place of quiet calm where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I’m there right now and I hesitate to even write about it.  I don’t believe in superstition, but feel like knocking on wood. Do I really want to express that things in my home are going smoothly right now?  My husband and I are getting along, good report cards came home yesterday from school and even my Reactive Attachment Disordered(RAD) son has been relatively calm.

Historically Paul has struggled the most in the month of October.  He has always said that his birthday month just reminds him that he wasn’t born into this family.  That, in turn, brings to his mind all the other unsettling things he ponders regarding his adoption and his early childhood trauma.  Poor Kid.  But this year, October was blessed.  I even re-read my journal for October and found all good comments about Paul’s behavior.  I noticed in my journal that many days he wasn’t even mentioned.  No news is good news regarding my journaling, so when I noticed he was missing, I thought I’d intentionally add the positive comments. It was refreshing to state the truth.  The honest truth and it was good.

For the parents of other RAD kids, I can almost see you rolling your eyes.  “Yeah, good for you, but we are still knee deep in garbage at our house.”  Well, let me tell you that even if we are in the calm right now, I still fear that I am just resting in the eye of a tornado. Years of abuse and unrest don’t disappear over night, do they?  And, I’m talking about OUR abuse, not his. Maybe I feel like the wife of an alcoholic just waiting for her husband to go on that next binge.  I am just not sure, but as welcoming as this time of rest is, it is unsettling.  What are we supposed to do with our hoses if there aren’t any fires to put out?  I think I’ll use mine to water the grass that I hope comes up in the spring.  What do I mean by that?  I think I’ll use this time to prepare for the next phase, whatever that may be.

I know how exhausting dealing with a troubled child is.  It is emotionally and physically draining, so in this quiet, I will rest.  I will not fill every spare second in meetings, reading parenting books or speaking with therapists about how to manage.  I’m taking a break from learning, trying, and strategizing. I’m taking a break from the grueling schedule of trying to figure it all out.  (I never did, by the way, I just tried! There is no figuring it out!)

I’m reading fiction.  Any fictional piece of literature I want.  I have a whole stack of books full of fluff calling my name. Books without indexes, pages of resources, & notes.  Books with pictures of mountains, lilies or tea cups on the front and no action plan in the back.  I will read, enjoy and even forget what it was about.

I’m going to take a walk….without my phone. No one needs me.  I can walk, enjoy the leaves on the tree and the chipmunks on the ground.  I will smile at strangers I may meet and I will not have the creases of stress on my forehead.

I’m going shopping and I’m going to shop for me.  I’m not going to try to find socks without seams, or shirts without tags.  I’m going to buy whatever makes me feel good.

I’m going to waste time on Pinterest. I may check out crafts to make out of pine branches or poems to write in calligraphy.  I am not going to research safes, weighted blankets, interior door locks or security systems.

I’m going to go out to dinner with my husband and talk about….drumroll please…..him.  I wonder what he’s been up to the last decade or so as we battled this mental illness?  I’m going to have a conversation with him that doesn’t involve discussions of IEP’s, Psychiatrists, or ISPT meetings.

I’m going to play Uno with my daughter.I will have extra time since it won’t be spent picking up debris from a melt down.

And, finally, I am going to enjoy my son.  I am going to spend time with him, talk to him and try to see what has created this calm.  Just like I didn’t know what created the chaos, I also probably won’t be able to figure out what caused the calm, but it will be nice to spend some time with him.  During the calm, he is pleasant and even lets his sense of humor break through.

I wonder what would happen if instead of expending all my energy on figuring everything out all the time, I just accepted the storms and accepted the calm.  Would not worrying about things make time in the midst of the storm for me to do all the things I reserve for the calm?  What if I ran into the storm head on just to get to the eye?  What if I found peace in whatever climate his behavior caused?  It’s definitely something I should consider.  On my next shopping trip, I’m going to buy boots, rain gear and an umbrella and I’m going to be rested and ready. Some storm chasers get bored with the calm.  I can’t say I’m one of them, but I know that if I take care of myself now, I’ll weather the next storm much better!

In Case You Forget

We all have people in our lives who are sometimes difficult to get along with.  Some of us have people who are chronically hard to get along with and sometimes we actually live with these people!  We know there is good inside of them, but for whatever reason, it is difficult for them to show it.  It may be mental illness, severe depression or in our case Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We love our son, but let’s be honest…he is very difficult to live with.

Years ago my father said that many people have more friends when they are dead than when they were alive.  He meant that many times people visit a funeral home and didn’t visit the individual.  He shared this when a “friend” of my cousin had died at the age of 14.  He said that many people became that boy’s “friend” the day he died.  The same is true of what we say about the dead.  What we remember.  We stop saying all the things that bugged us about the individual and we start sharing all the great memories and fun, kind things the person did.  I was reading a description of a mother’s son that the mother wrote after she lost him in a car accident.  Though her child wasn’t a difficult child, I think there is still some things she left unsaid.  Maybe we should try to do that with our living children….even the difficult ones.  That said, let me introduce you to Paul, only the good stuff.

Paul will be 17 years old soon and was born to a different set of parents than he has today. He is a remarkable young man who has overcome many obstacles.  He suffers some physical and mental limitations but has defied the professionals’ opinions in many cases.  He can ride a bike, visit a store alone, count money & is very technically apt contrary to what they thought. He is a loving and compassionate guy who sincerely prays for and encourages others in their time of need.  He spends countless hours visiting the sick and the elderly and befriends people who aren’t even aware that they are in need of a new friend.  He leaves a lasting impression with everyone he meets.  Everyone knows Paul and calls him by name.

He speaks his mind without a filter which is at times the most important thing to do.  When a friend of ours was battling brain cancer, he saw me standing at the kitchen sink and said, “Are you praying for Nicholas?”  When I responded that I wasn’t, he said, “Well maybe you should.” 

On another occasion a friend shared a story about something she witnessed at the local grocery store.  When she pulled into the parking lot, she saw Paul sitting on a display of potting soil stacked in the front of the store.  He appeared to just be greeting each person who entered.  Then she noticed a big, burly man in a beat up truck pull in and park in the handicapped spot.  She noticed the truck was in the inappropriate spot, but she said nothing.  The man exited his vehicle, threw his burning cigarette into the lot and walked toward the store.  Paul calmly mentioned, “Hey, maybe you weren’t aware of it, but you parked in a handicapped spot.”  The man shrugged his shoulders, grumbled a swear word and returned to his truck and moved it.  Upon entering the store again he looked at Paul and said, “Thanks man.”  Paul never shared these events.  They weren’t big deals to him, they just were.  They represent who Paul truly is.

We have a summer home along the Allegheny river and Paul is known as the “Mayor of Rimer.”  I know the neighbors two doors to our left and two doors to our right, but Paul knows everyone along the 1.1 miles worth of road and their friends and families.  He makes a point of greeting them and asking them about something he knows they are interested in.  When I introduce myself, it’s easier (& more advantageous for me) to refer to myself as “Paul’s Mom.”  No other explanation is needed and I am welcomed to any picnic or party along the river.

He is polite and courteous and what he lacks in intellect, he makes up for in his incredible ability to ask others for help.  He gets what he needs and he blesses others by allowing them to utilize their God given desire to serve others.  It takes a village to raise Paul and the village is a better place because of him. 

So when dealing with difficult people, in case you forget, there is goodness in them.  It may be helpful to write it down & refer to it often. Play the good things the individual does through your mind as often as you replay the bad things they have done. Also, in case you forget, you just might be the difficult person in someone else’s life and you may want them to do the same thing!

Miracles

K is my foster daughter.  We met her when she was turning two and she is now four.  She was abused and arrived at our home with a casted broken leg and was recovering from the other leg being broken five weeks prior.  Her eye is permanently swollen from an untreated infection and the court master ruled that she was abused.  She was returned to her home because no one would identify the abuser and after ten weeks, she was injured again and returned to us.  The second time she was placed with us, I felt sure that the courts would be swift to make a decision on her behalf.  They did not. They spent months , even years, attempting to rehabilitate a couple who didn’t see a problem. A couple that took anger management classes and parenting classes, but never recognized their need for them. Court hearings were held every 3-6 months and at each one, I desperately prayed for permanency for K.  I recruited others to pray and as we prayed, we waited for the courts to make a decision for K. Should she return home or should the rights of the parents be terminated? At each hearing, my hopeful prayers of permanency for K were met with a decision to wait another 3 months and meet again.

My journey of faith took a huge walk uphill when after a year and a half in care, they decided to start a reunification plan and award the biological parents increased visits and overnights in the hopes that K would return home.  These visits were heartbreaking and disruptive for my family and even harder for her. While she had previously enjoyed her visits a day at a time, these extended visits were scaring her. She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay with us.

Since I met K, my prayer has always been for the Lord to place her where she needed to be and to comfort my family if she needed to be reunited with her biological family . I stated many times that I felt like I was praying out of both sides of my mouth. “Lord, allow her to be part of our forever family…BUT, if you don’t, comfort us.” Many times I struggled with whether I should be grieving losing her or fighting to keep her. “Thy will be done Lord.” “Let her stay with us IF it is your will.” Though faithful in prayer, I felt like my prayers were indecisive.  What did I want? My belief that a child deserves to be with their biological mother fought with my belief that a child deserves to be safe. Enter all the other considerations of raising a 5th child when we are approaching retirement age into the mix and I almost didn’t want to know God’s will.

As time passed, it became apparent to us that K would be better off in our home. We were the only “real” family she knew, yet I didn’t feel I had the right to tell God what he should do but someone needed to do something in the this case! The courts with their overcautious behaviors were doing a disservice to us and to K. We needed a decision.

I awakened to the idea that what we needed was a miracle.! A miracle is “an event or action that contradicts known natural, scientific laws and is due to a supernatural cause.” It would take a miracle to get an overly cautious court system to make a decision. I increased my prayers and the number of people I recruited to pray. I asked them to join me in praying for a miracle.

The day of the hearing came and I immediately became the recipient of not just a single miracle, but many miracles. I had a peace that made no sense, I had friends calling me and supporting me, my other children were having a good first day of school, I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I should be, I saw two deer in my front lawn and wasn’t too preoccupied to recognize the blessing in God’s creation and the list goes on.

I received a call from the caseworker following the hearing sooner than I expected and though there was no official ruling, steps are being taken to lessen the biological mothers visits and permanency is well on it’s way for K.

Later that evening, my Pastor called and said, “Well, did you get your miracle?” I had to think about it for a bit and then realized that I had. Though the court didn’t make an official ruling that day and officially K doesn’t have permanency yet, I realized that I had received my miracle. My miracle is accepting the fact that I received a miracle by letting go and letting God decide what is best in this case. My miracle is the peace I felt. Not every item on my miracle check list was checked off, but God knew exactly which ones to check off at this point. The miracle isn’t in the change in the situation, the miracle is in the change in me.

NOTE: Originally written 9-2-10 and I am pleased to say that K has received permanency and is a true blessing to our family!

The Stomp

Paul has just stomped upstairs again….and with his weight issues, his stomp now rattles ceiling fans and causes strain to the wooden spindles on our stair rails.  You know, those 6 spindles we have left that my husband strategically placed so you wouldn’t notice the 8 missing from when he grabbed and snapped them in half stomping upstairs before.  He stomps off and I sit and stew.  I am very aware that I don’t want his behavior to steal any more moments of my life today, but It’s hard to not allow yourself to be angry.

In hopes to find some inspiration on my computer, I search documents under the Paul file.  Information I’ve saved for days like today.  Tidbits of helpful hints, journal entries pouring out my frustration and notes taken on books I’ve read.  I found some interesting notes dated September 18, 2005.  Yes, almost 10 years ago.  They were notes on When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas.  Now, I want to be clear, I don’t agree with everything she said, but her book changed my life.  After reading about Reactive Attachment Disorder, I finally recognized Paul.  Up until then, I just wasn’t sure what we were dealing with.  He had delays and limitations, he had strengths, yet weaknesses and though quirky and awkward in some ways, he was gifted and talented in other ways.  He was extremely social which ruled out some disorders, yet he didn’t seem to understand interpersonal interactions.  He just didn’t “get” people, though superficially, he could converse with anyone at a very early age.  After reading this little blue book, I decided I had to try and change the way I was parenting.  I didn’t have a new plan,but I knew the old plan was not going to work.

So, some 2005 notes I made….some declarations that I intended to keep.

I have committed to being the boss.  No arguing, no getting angry.  (Oh, that looks so easy on paper!)

I will make Paul pay retribution for damages by doing 25 cent chores.  (This idea is laughable!  Never worked, never will work! Not to mention at 25 cents a pop it would take years and years to pay for all the damage!)

I will stay in control by not letting things escalate.  (Well, on a good day, I can stay calm and try to accomplish this, but I personally have no control about how others in the home escalate.)

I will focus only on the positives. (With Herculean effort, I attempt this, but some days the positives are so deeply buried in negatives, it is a challenge.)

I will NOT deal with the negatives he shares with me. (Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t.)

I will do more intentional bonding & loving. (I’ve been intentional and so has he at rejecting my good intent.)

I will not leave Paul unattended &/or unstructured.  (Did I realize that would still be the case at age 16?)

I will not engage during nonsense questions. (Really? Did I even think that was possible at the time?)

These “commandments” were the first time I put on paper a strategy in dealing with this chaotic disorder.  After the initial writing, there are notes from April 2006 and August 2014 that suggests that nothing has changed and these goals are still good, though maybe a bit lofty.  (Lofty since I’ve been working on them for almost 10 years.)

So, he’s still stomping away.  I’m still dealing with it.  Is it perhaps time to write a new set of notes?  Maybe ones where I cut myself a little slack and accept the things I cannot change?  I’m glad they are written down for me to review.  They calm me during the storm to see that I am not entering into these battles willy nilly.  I have studied, I have prepared, I have planned.  He may win a battle here and there, but I still intend to win this war!

Reactive Attachment Disorder – Respond don’t React to the Diagnosis!

By the time you reach a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder in your child, you probably have already been researching how to manage a lot of other diagnosis.  You’ve been trained in strategies that may work for Autism or ADHD or any of the other things doctors originally thought could be your child’s problem.  Once Reactive Attachment Disorder becomes your focus, it’s time to leave those strategies behind.  Buy a new note book, clean the slate and start over.  You are now going to have to start again.  However, you don’t want to overREACT to your new situation….you simply want to RESPOND to this new information.

How you should RESPOND when you begin your journey into the world of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

R – Realize that what you have done so far isn’t necessarily wrong, but it will probably not accomplish the desired behaviors.  Throw out the charts and systems and re-think a new plan.

E – Expect to be uncomfortable with the suggestions of your trusted BSC or therapist who understands RAD.  These new ways are unique and different and though you want to scream, make consequences and demand respect, you may need to step back, give up some control for a bit, and approach the struggle in a much different way.

S- Seek out new friends.  Find others in the battle and talk to them….often!  Your friends and family often do not understand the truth of your home, but there are lots of us that do.  You have probably already lost some friend because of your child’s behavior, so you are in the market for some new ones anyhow!

P – Put time for you in your calendar.  Your child and his needs will take up a lot of time.  Visits to the therapist, psychiatrist, school & doctor take you away from home a lot and TSS hours may fill up your family time at home.  Put yourself on your calendar.  Plan something relaxing or reenergizing to do outside the home…since stress is often inside the home.

O – Overcome the guilt of not understanding sooner.  RAD is very complex and strange.  We often attempt to manage it in parenting styles that just won’t work.  It’s not your fault that this kid doesn’t respond to the methods other kids do.  We all do the best we can with what we have where we are…most of the time.  Cut yourself some slack and overcome the guilt.

N – Never allow your child to come between you and your marriage.  The way you deal with this diagnosis will pit parent against parent on its own.  Don’t allow your child to play one against the other.  Having a child with special needs is very difficult and it will require one parent to be on top of their game at all times.  Don’t let the child win by getting you both riled up at the same time and fighting against each other AND the child.  Recognize that your RAD kid would enjoy the control of causing you grief in your relationship and strive to never allow this to happen.  (NOTE:  I said strive…this is a tough one!)

D – Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel successful when you go to bed at night.  I have read many books and techniques and I have tried many of them.  Some are just not a good fit for me.  If I go to bed hating the person I was all day trying to implement a “system” I learned in a book, it will simply not work for me.  Sometimes I feel better when I give in, sometimes I feel better when I fight the battle to the end.  Ultimately, though, the only behavior you can guarantee to change is your own.  Do what you need to do to make yourself feel successful.

In all honesty, REACTing is much simpler than RESPONDing, but I think if we can be aware, take a moment to breathe and think, we can ALL respond in a much better way.

Today is her birthday!

Today is her birthday! Wow. She is 9 years old. She has grown into such a fun young lady. She loves tumbling, singing and laughs easily. She has great friends and good health. She is a blessing to all who know her. We celebrated her birthday a couple of days early with a party of 17 of her friends at the local youth center. I remember bringing her home from the hospital…twice. I met the caseworker at the court house parking lot to pick up my “wounded bird” with broken legs, one still in a pink cast, with a swollen eye and thin hair.  She had a sweet, gentle smile, but turned her eyes to the floor when a man entered the room.  We met her through foster care and last night when I tucked my 8 year old daughter in, her eyes filled with tears and she said what I knew she would say someday, “Why did she let me go?”  K’s birthday is May 11th which falls entirely too close to Mother’s Day.  A weekend full of memories of past love and trauma, of celebration and sorrow.  K loves her first Mom.  She was good to her.  She remembers how her Mom comforted her when she had been injured by the boyfriend who was in charge of watching her.  She remembers the cuddles, the sleeping in, the presents bought, the scrapbooks made.  She remembers all the love her Mom poured out on her, yet she remembers the dark garage that she was locked in, she remembers how he bounced her off the wall over and over, how he sat on her and she couldn’t breathe.

Yesterday in church the choir sang a song titled, “I’m adopted.” K thought for sure that I would tell the congregation afterwards that she was adopted.  “Oh honey, they all know you are adopted.” “How?” “Those people in those pews and other churches you’ve never even visited prayed for you for months. You touched everyone you met.” She sincerely did. She put a face to abuse, abuse of the bad boyfriend, abuse of the system who sent her back again, abuse of a Mom who refused to put her child first. So sad. When we met her we prayed for her, we prayed that God would place her exactly where He wanted her to be.  We had to trust. We still have to trust. We don’t have answers to her questions of why, we simply don’t know.  Why would a Mother pick an abusive boyfriend over a precious little blonde? Why would a judge send a chlid back into a home with with 3 indicated child abusers? Why did it take so long for parental rights to be terminated and an adoption to be final? We don’t know. We never will.

Today is her birthday.  I, too, have mixed emotions. This isn’t the plan I would’ve picked for her.  Mothers are supposed to love their daughters and put their safety above their own, but for someone reason, K’s couldn’t or didn’t.  It’s sad.  Yet, that Mother’s bad decision made this Mom’s heart even fuller. I had the honor of receiving a lettuce plant with a card saying, “Lettuce say thanks, Mom” for Mother’s Day.  I counted my blessings yesterday for the 5 children that God has entrusted me to raise. Two of my blessings have other mothers and pain that I can’t relate to.  Two of my children celebrate their birthdays without the stories of “how excited we were this day x number of years ago” or “I remember your teeny tiny toes.” That’s sad. And, the memories we all share about their first days are not happy ones.  There is no way to wax eloquent here.

Years ago when I was fostering an infant, I took her to the pediatrician for a check up.  When the doctor entered the room, he said, “Congratulations!!”  I quickly corrected him and said, “Oh, she’s not mine.”  He said, “You have the honor of caring for a beautiful baby girl, congratulations are in order.”  I’ve never forgotten his words or his sentiment.  It is an honor and a privilege.

Today is her birthday.  I think we’ll acknowledge her sad memories, maybe briefly, and attempt to move on to what is truly important in this 9 year old’s life.  Birthday cake with lots of icing, stories of the friend party on Saturday, choosing which new outfit to wear to school today and lots of singing.  I have the honor of caring for a beautiful “baby” girl, congratulations are in order!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding… –Proverbs 3:5

Why I Work

“Hang in there…sometimes life hands you lemons, but then you can make lemonade.  Of course, sometimes life pulls down your pants runs a power sander across your naked butt, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded buttocks.  In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn’t really help but, darn it…you’ve got to hang in there anyway!” –Just being realistic – I know this sucks, Love you and can’t wait to see you in Tulsa.  Judy.

That is why i work.  So I can meet friends just like Judy, the one who sent me that card last year.  You see, last June, my special needs son stole a gun and shot the end of his thumb off.  It was an extremely traumatic experience for him and for our entire family.  It was then that I reached out to my work associates from across the country to ask for prayers and support.  I work for Usborne Books & More and have for almost 20 years.  In Multilevel Marketing we often talk about sharing our “why.”  Each person has a unique “why.”  Why they got started in business, why it is important for them.  Well, This is my why:  When my son had his accident, my husband was working out of town.  After the trip in the ambulance and preparing my son to go by helicopter to the children’s hospital, I held it together.  I answered the questions (interrogations at times) & remained semi-calm.  When I returned home that evening at about 3 a.m., I broke down.  Sobs.  I got on to facebook and saw another Usborne consultant from Colorado post, “Why am I unable to sleep?”  I messaged Beth and said, “To keep me off the cliff!”  She “talked” to me through the night and recruited other friends to pray for me and encourage me.  A couple of weeks later, I was able to attend the National Convention in Tulsa, OK  to receive the hugs and kind, caring words from my supportive friends.  My roommate Susan listened to me & helped me process the whole ordeal.  It also allowed me a legitimate excuse to travel away from my home which was still in a state of wound care and sensitive feelings.

Later that summer, a different son, made the announcement that he intended to ride his bike across the USA alone. (In case this Mom hadn’t had enough to worry about.)  His plan was to couch surf (code for meet strangers on the internet and stay with them.)  He traveled successfully quite a while, but was concerned about some routes that would take him through Ferguson, MO during the time of the riots.  As my husband was on the phone with him, I got out my address book and started pointing to Charlene (another co-worker)’s address & phone number.  “Call her!  Call her!  Call her!”  He did and she was able to celebrate my son’s 25th Birthday with him.

These are just a few of the recent examples of how the people are my “WHY.”  In the past, I met a woman at a home show, she later became a consultant and mentioned her husband was going on a mission trip to Haiti.  My husband overheard me telling her that maybe he should go along.  George said, “Be careful what you wish for.”  My husband did go with her husband to Haiti (without even meeting him first!) & my son and husband joined him the following year!  After adopting my daughter, I found that I was in need of some new friends….I needed moms who had younger daughters.  Usborne allowed me to meet those moms and now my best friends are past consultants or hostesses.  When I look at my contact list on my phone, it utterly amazes me how Usborne has introduced me to all of these quality people.

When I started with Usborne the CEO, Randall White,  suggested I surround myself with successful people.  My joke is that I do surround myself with successful people, I just didn’t become one of them.  In reality, though, I have been extremely successful in my business.  I have met all of these people and can call them true friends.  Oftentimes, the Why is about so much more than the work.

Reactive Attachment Disorder – What is it?

My recent post,Reactive Attachment Disorder stinks! created some buzz among my readers.  Those who have a child with RAD, understood and probably felt some relief knowing that others are in the same boat.  Others, those who know my son personally, find it very hard to believe that life in my home is as difficult as it is sometimes.  He simply does not display these behaviors around others.  BUT, that doesn’t mean that it is not true.

I am the parent of a special needs child, however, my kids’ disability is the inability to receive love from his parents.  This makes treating this disorder extremely difficult.

While researching for a fact sheet or a tip sheet on Reactive Attachment Disorder, the shortest one I found was 3 pages in length.  Who wants to read that?  Even those of us in the trenches get bored with all of that, so it is my hope to share some information, the Cliff Notes of RAD – In a nutshell:

Paul has RAD which means that he did not develop an attachment with his primary caregiver early in life.  This lack of connection influences his physical, neurological, cognitive & psychological development. It produces ongoing feelings of rage, deep shame, a lack of trust and a fear of attaching to anyone. He has an inability to understand cause and effect and a compulsive need to control everyone and everything. He has difficulty regulating his emotions and his behavior.  His fear, rage & distrust is so bad that he may explode when a limit is set or a line is drawn.  He truly believes that he will die if he is not in control.  He was deeply hurt, afraid & lonely as he survived severe neglect.  He developed strategies to survive this time in his life and those strategies are to manipulate and control any situation he considers unsafe.  The battle for control is constant.

So, if I ask Paul to put his shoes on…he may feel out of control.  He doesn’t put his shoes on so that he can control that situation.  Even the smallest of things.  If asked to put his plate in the sink, he may put it beside the sink to remain in control.  If you don’t live it every day, you may not even notice the little ways in which he controls things.  Some subtle attempt to control can be interrupting, asking someone to repeat themselves even when he heard, mumbling, ignoring, fidgeting, refusing to put forth appropriate effort, & telling lies.  Children with RAD often maintain control by demonstrating learned helplessness.

You may never see Paul rage.  He’s not angry at you…he’s not even angry at us, but he is angry at the situation of neglect that he experienced and he will take it out on those who love him the most now. You may get the opportunity to see some of the other symptoms:  Lack of guilt or remorse, blames others, difficulty with cause and effect, stealing, lying, manipulative, lack of empathy, poor impulse control, overly friendly to strangers, mood swings, tantrums, refuses to do assignments or does them poorly, & has abnormal eating habits.

That said, I love Paul.  I knew I was meant to be his forever Mom after just a few weeks of knowing him.  I knew I could make a difference in his life.  We’ve come a long way…yet we have a long way to go.  Please keep us and all those who are parenting children with this confusing diagnosis in your thoughts & prayers.  We need them.  Thank you for understanding that this disorder just might be something you will never understand.

Reactive Attachment Disorder Stinks!

Sobbing.  Uncontrollable.  Raging.  Screaming. Senseless Words.  Pain so deep you drown.  Daily.

I could say my son suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder, but the truth is that the whole family does.  He is triggered internally, some sort of flashback, some sort of feeling he is uncomfortable with and we all suffer.  I don’t know what today’s trigger was.  He spent the day with the Psychiatrist.  They discussed all the progress he is making and decided to cut back on some medication.  He and his Dad went out to eat and chatted about the Pittsburgh Pirates on the way home.  He went downstairs to play some beloved video games and I asked him to burn the papers (we do that around here.)  He opened the drawer to the matches and saw that I bought him a new lighter.  He ran to me with hugs of thanksgiving and headed out.  He completed his task and then headed to the chicken coop and decided to show the birds the flame.  He didn’t really do anything, he just put the lighter inside the chicken wire and showed them.

I caught him and yelled for him to stop.  He stopped.  And, it went all down hill from there.  He and his Dad were screaming, his sister & he couldn’t be in the same room, he was sent to his room where his throaty screams echo throughout the whole house.  He pounds the walls, pulls the wallpaper off the wall, throws things and screams to us about God.  He texts his friends, threatens to call CYS & berates our efforts to help him figure this out.

Reactive Attachment Disorder wins again.  It has attacked the one who has attachment issues and it has poisoned the whole family for the evening.  I won’t be going to church with my husband, my plans have changed, there’s no fixing this, there’s no consequences.  There’s just pain and bitter disappointment for all.

I’d love to say this doesn’t happen often.  And, actually, yesterday we complimented him on it happening less frequently, but today it has happened.

He doesn’t have reactive attachment disorder anymore….we all do.  We all react.  We all have real pain.  We have all been traumatized!  He has calmed down.  He yells down the stairs in a sweet voice, “Mom?”  I respond as any other hurt and wounded animal would, “Shut Up!”

I’d like to say that I responded differently and to be honest, I have responded to the same situation differently before…about a gazillion times before.  I’ve done everything the professionals tell me to.  I’ve attended the workshops, I’ve been in therapy, I’ve read the books, I’ve responded appropriately, but today I reacted instead of responded.  Maybe this approach will work.  Doubtful.  The hope that has gotten me this far is like sands in an hour glass and I’m about on my last grain of hope.

Being Me, I will turn this all around.  I know that.  I know I will write about flipping the hour glass over and how I will recognize that God renews my hope just like the sands in the glass.  How the sand will all be at the top and slowly trickle to the bottom again.  God does renew me & I know He will again.  But right now I’m just mad.  I’m mad at unanswered prayer.  I’m mad at the people who didn’t take care of him when he was a baby.  I’m mad at the people who think they know what he is like.  I’m mad at the agencies who don’t have a clue.  I’m mad to know that I am one of many hurting parents trying to deal with this diagnosis.  I’m mad at a child welfare system that keeps moving kids around and creates this disorder.

But, mostly, I’m mad about missing church.  Instead of church I’ll sit here and sob.  I’ll ponder the situation and wonder what I’m to learn from this.  I’ll cry out and ask why it has to be like this.  I’ll realize that I will never know.

Reactive Attachment Disorder Stinks!

PS – It appears I’m in good company and not the first person to ponder.  I googled “Angry David Psalms” –

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. (Psalm 22:1-6)

I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation I will praise you. You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows. The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the LORD will praise him—may your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—those who cannot keep themselves alive. Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn—for he has done it. (Psalm 22:22-31)