Category Archives: Big Kids

Letting go again and again and again

Looking for Kindness or Compassion?

IMG_1497I am raising a 13-year-old girl.  (Applause please.)  No, seriously, I am raising a 13-year-old daughter and the truth is I’ve done this twice before, so I know I will survive it, but this time around I seem to struggle more with this reality.  The fact is 13-year-old girls are mean.  Not all of the girls all of the time, but all of the girls some of the time, including my daughter and yours!  The variable of this fact is that you never know which girl may be mean at which time.  My daughter will come home from school one day and say, “Can so-and-so come over to spend the night?” And I have to respond, “Is she even speaking to you this week?”  So, one minute, best friend, next minute, not speaking.  And, from what I’m hearing, this is not just occurring in my home, but in homes of Junior High girls everywhere. I googled “mean girls” and got 1,760,000,000 results in only 1.7 seconds! So I’m certain it just isn’t my daughter or in my house!

This fall I’ve been wondering what I, as a concerned mom, can do about it.  I decided that any time I had a captive audience (which means I’m driving teen girls somewhere) I would instill a message of kindness.  So, the standard “lecture” goes like this: “Hey, welcome! You get to get a quick little lecture from me! Have you ever had someone not talking to you? (the answer is always yes!) How does that feel? (bad, obviously.) Then, for goodness sake, don’t do that to someone else!  I am here to tell you that you should be kind.  Just be kind.  If everyone would just start acting kind no one would have to feel that way.” So in less than one minute, I can suggest that this teen be kind.  I then, write the name of that person on a silk leaf, place it on the wall and add members to this elite group when I can.  Currently there 12 girls who have officially been prompted to be kind.

But today, I wonder if I am missing something.  I’ve been talking a lot about random acts of kindness and kindness in general, but being kind means to just be friendly, generous and considerate.  All good qualities, but with these teen girls, I think we need to elevate it a bit and get them to become compassionate.  Compassion is being sympathetic and showing concern for others. So, while kindness may make us do something for someone, compassion is a feeling.  I want these girls to recognize how their actions make others feel. I think that alone will motivate them to be kinder.

It’s one thing to sit with a lonely person at lunch so that you can tell your mom that you did it later when she asks, but it’s another to really look at this lonely person and feel what she feels. To sit with someone that no one else is sitting with because you care about their feelings because you know what it would feel like if it were you.  That’s what I want these girls to recognize.

So, I guess I will modify the “lecture” a bit and promote compassion over kindness, and I also think I will recognize for myself that this, too, will pass. In a few short years, these girls will have survived this awkward mean stage and will truly become who they were meant to be!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is images-3.png

Be Kind & compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. — Col 3:12

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one antoher, be compassionate and humble. –1 Peter 3:8

Leave a comment

Filed under Big Kids, family, Parenting, Uncategorized

Shut the Window

IMG_1321

A few weeks ago, I had a very trying few days.  It seemed that everyone I knew was going through something that caused me concern.  I would talk to one person and hear about their struggles and wonder how I could help.  I talked to another and hear their worries and wondered how I could help.  I, myself, had a bunch of things going on and my mind was racing with how I was going to deal with each situation that needed to be addressed.  I spent my evening considering all the possibilities and had no clear answers on anything.

I dreaded bedtime, knowing that when it’s time for my body to shut down, it often signals my mind to wake up and worry.  Very frustrated, I went to bed, and couldn’t fall asleep.  The windows were open at our river house this warm evening and the songs of the crickets and frogs were not bringing me peace. As a matter of fact, the more I listened the louder they sounded and the more alert I became.  “What am I going to do about this noise?!  What am I going to do about these things I am worried about?!”  All of a sudden, an answer came to me….Shut the window.  Seriously?  Shut the window?  It’s that simple?  I got up and shut the window and the sound of silence filled my bedroom. The noise stopped.  I realized then that I could do the same thing with worries and concerns.  I could shut the window to the outside noises and problems that were confronting me.  Every time a worrying thought came to mind, I chose to shut it out.  I found that by “shutting the window” to those nagging concerns and thoughts, I could fall asleep.

I shared this story with my friend and the following week I got a T-Shirt in the mail and it had “Shut the Window” printed on the front.  Friends, it is that simple.  We can choose to shut the window to a lot of situations in our lives and we can give those concerns to God. “Do not let your hearts be troubled, You believe in God.”  It’s that simple…..Shut the window.

disegno-floreale-con-bordi-arricciati_318-45888

John 14:1-4     Jesus Comforts His Disciples (The title could read “Jesus Comforts Insert your name.)

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Adoptive, Big Kids, Inspirational, Little Kids, Parenting, Scriptures, Trauma-mama, Uncategorized

Tuesday News Day!

IMG_7953 (1)

Sarah is working on a new procedure at work, Nicole bought a TV, Lori had her friends build a human pyramid, Kevin made a new friend, Paul saw a movie, Linda was sick with the flu, Kaylee had a school snow day, Cale bought a couch and George has been busy cleaning up after the house flooded. These are all examples of the latest news in our family.

Starting in January 2019, I wanted to come up with a way to stay in communication with all of my kids who live in varying parts of the country and to try to keep them in contact with each other.  Hence, the creation of Tuesday’s News Day!  The group text is sent to Seattle, Denver, Richmond, New Castle and to some within the same house.  I begin with a short recap text of what I’ve been up to in the last week and invite the rest to chime in.  It’s been such a fun, easy way to learn more about each other and what our typical or less than typical week looks like.

Scrolling past over the last 8 weeks I see where I finished reading Little Women, George is grateful for the book Cale bought him for Christmas, Nicole spent time in Florida, Kevin has been trying new recipes, Sarah binged on a podcast, Cale is trying to walk more, Lori took a Lyra class, Kaylee was cast in a musical & Paul went with his Dad to see the movie Escape Room.

Though I wish we all lived closer, I take comfort in knowing that on Tuesday, my phone will chime multiple times as people report in.  Gone are the days of waiting for handwritten letters in the mail, even live voice phone calls are sometimes hard to fit in, but the well-timed Tuesday text brings joy to all!

decorative-line-clipart-clipart-panda-free-clipart-images-ezxo3g-clipart

“How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace,
Who bring glad tidings of good things!”  –Romans 10:15 NKJ

decorative-line-clipart-clipart-panda-free-clipart-images-ezxo3g-clipart

I’m so grateful to those who bring glad tidings!!

1 Comment

Filed under Big Kids, family, Life, Little Kids, Parenting, Scriptures, Travels, Uncategorized

Remind Me

may-the-glow-of-christmas-fill-the-hearts-of-you-and-your-loved-ones-all-year-longChristmas is coming….just a few days away.  I have tons to do and the recent days have been full of obligations and to-do lists.  Things I have to do and those things that I feel I have to do and moments of not being able to figure out which is which.  I’ve struggled this year with a minor lack of holiday cheer and I even admitted to someone that I find that I am a better Christian and more charitable and giving other months of the year and I’m not even sure that is a bad thing.  This time of year is full of expectations and the fact that I am so busy doing Christmas prep, I don’t have as much time to be as giving as I am at other times.  My door is always open and my kitchen table is always welcoming anyone who will sit for a cup of tea, but right now, you’d be hard pressed to find me at home to enjoy it. I like to surprise people with unexpected note cards and letters, but this year, I don’t have time to prepare cards. I’ve been known to bake treats and deliver them to friends and neighbors, but gift shopping has taken up my time for that.  So, you see, this year, I’m just not “feeling it.” I long for more leisurely days and quieter times.

That said, this year is a bit different than other years. My kids are growing and/or grown and traditions we once held dear don’t really matter as they once did. Three of my kids live out of state so the shopping and shipping make gift giving a challenge. My oldest has recently graduated from college and is moving to Seattle on Christmas Day. Throw in a few general concerns and situations on the home front and I’m fighting the urge to say “Bah Humbug!”  I won’t though, because I know the true reason for the season AND, I just have to remember what I’ve celebrated so far this season. I’m writing this publicly so when I get sad that my Christmas Holiday gets cut short by my oldest moving to Seattle on December 25th (Yes, I said that again. I think if I keep saying it, I might get used to the idea?)…remind me.

Remind me that:

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family, a full house of laughs & good food and too much stuffing.

I went on an annual Christmas Shopping outing with a friend on the day that our town didn’t have any electricity.  The mall decorations and lights were a real treat when I didn’t have any at home.

I attended Chicora Light -Up Night where Kaylee was able to perform her solo even though she was fighting a major sore throat and cold.

I made 8 batches of hard tack with my Mom and all of my daughters. We even went out of the box and made a Cotton Candy flavor.

I kicked off the Salvation Army Kettle Drive in our community.

I visited my Aunt Garnet with my mom and sister.

I went to Volant and donated books to the Amish for them to use as Christmas gifts.

I painted a Christmas Canvas with a friend.  I just love my Red Truck with a tree in the bed!

Rehearsals were held and I was able to spend some time with some of the cutest Shepherds, Angels, and Mice I know!

A morning was filled with laughs and discussion at book club as we discussed a Christmas Fiction.

I had lunch with a friend.

Kaylee wowed me with her solo at the Jr. High Christmas Concert & the music those kids performed was amazing….and really fun!

I decorated and enjoyed a Christmas dinner with 30 of the women from church.

I hosted a dinner party. I figured I wanted to invite others over to see and enjoy my Christmas decorations. We had a fun time!

I enjoyed a tureen luncheon and Children’s Christmas Pageant at church.  I couldn’t have been more proud of that gang!  They did a wonderful job!

George & I have had fun shopping. (Always a great excuse for a meal out!)

I taught a 4 week Sunday School Class on A Christmas Carol.

I went out for dinner and to see the Christmas lights with George, Paul, and Kaylee.

I had a Christmas lunch out with my Mom, my Aunt Jean, my sister, my daughter, and 7 cousins.

I’ve baked cookies, made snacks and made hard tack with George, Kevin, and Nicole.

I invited my Brother and Sister in Law over for an evening of Hallmark Movie Bingo. We watched until someone got bingo and then we started a new movie. (We didn’t need to watch the end to know what happened.)

I had a nice lunch out while Christmas shopping with my brother.

Today, Kevin left to finish packing up his house, Nicole has gone to a friend’s house, Paul is playing video games and George and Kaylee are at lessons.  It’s the first time I’ve had a minute to think in days.  And, as I ponder how I am going to “get through” this Christmas, I’ve finally had a chance to think about what I’ve already done. I’ve already celebrated Christmas many times and I have been filled with joy at each of these things.

I hope you have a chance to take a minute to remember all the things that you have already done that lead up to the actual big day.  Christmas is definitely more than just a single day.  It is even more than just a season. We truly should try to celebrate it all year long.

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Big Kids, family, Life, Uncategorized

Shaking My Head Again

IMG_5274

Shaking my head again…there are just things that happen that can’t be explained.  The care God and others have over my son is one of them. Yesterday, we were at our river house. The river was high and muddy from some recent rain so my husband and I decided to do some inside maintenance. He assembled bunk beds while I read a good book, but I was only an arm’s length away if he required assistance. (Which he did only once or twice for a couple of minutes.) But anyway, we were inside “working” while Paul was fishing on the dock. That boy loves to fish! He has spent hours this summer with a pole in his hand and a smile on his face.

Right as my husband was assembling Step 7A bolt into step 7A nut as listed on the IKEA instructions, Paul came in and stands at the bedroom door soaking wet.  After my initial, “Move! You’re making a puddle and I’ll slip and fall!” it dawned on me that my kid had been in the swift river.

“What?!”

Paul calmly says, “Let’s start with the good news. I’m safe and I got my chair but the bad news is that I lost my travel mug and ball cap.”

“What?!”

While he was standing on the dock, his chair blew into the water, he jumped in sans life jacket to retrieve it. He was quickly swept away with his chair in his hands (hard to swim when you are grasping your favorite fishing chair.) He realized he wasn’t going to be able to swim back to our dock so he floated downstream and got out at a neighbor’s dock. Aaaaah. Safe. Another disaster thwarted.

“Thank God you are safe. You have angels looking over you all the time buddy, do you realize that?”

“Yeah, but that was my favorite hat. Uncle Gary gave it to me last year from his work and he won’t be able to get another one since the plant closed.”

“Let’s focus on the good stuff. You are safe.”

“And my mug. It’s the only one I’m allowed to use on the bus and I was going to take it to camp this week. Can I borrow yours?”

“Sure.” (I love loaning my stuff to the kid who as you can see takes incredibly good care of all of his belongings. Insert sarcasm here.) Remember, you are very lucky! You are safe!”

“I know, but I think I’ll pout a while about the hat and mug.”

Oh, brother. I return to assisting George when I hear Paul talking to someone in the yard. I go out to see a man handing Paul his missing hat and mug. It seems this man was fishing on his dock about 1/2 mile downstream when the hat and mug floated by. He “wasn’t going to risk his life to go after it, but it went right by his dock” so he grabbed it. Paul’s fishing license was still attached and he said, “Well, I know where this kid lives.” Of course he does! Everyone knows Paul.

Our river house sits on a 1 mile stretch of the river with houses, camps, and campsites 3 deep in some places. We know very few of our neighbors, but the whole stretch knows Paul. Probably from a previous rescue mission.

After the bunk beds were completed, George and I took a bike ride. We left Paul to fish (with a life vest on!) and we took a little ride. On the way back a neighbor about 5 houses away called out to us for a visit. We stopped by and shared our most recent Paul story. John and his wife Chris have many of their own Paul stories. John started sharing some of his experiences with another couple that was there. We laughed. It’s always easy to laugh at these tales after time. (Not so easy to laugh while they are occurring.) John said, “Paul is going to be all right. He’s a survivor.” I commented that he will survive, but will his parents? We shouted out our appreciation to John for friending Paul and that it “takes a village.”

George admitted that a good sense of humor helps. As we were leaving, the new guy said, “I never met him, but I know I’d love him.” Shaking my head and smiling, I was assured of two things. He will get to meet him and he will love him. Everyone does.

As Paul ages, his special needs do too. I think he will always require some aid from others. (Don’t we all?) As he nears 20 years of age, I’ve been struggling with letting go, but meeting the angels who look out for Paul helps. There are so many stories like today’s story. Not just the part of him being kept safe in the water, but the bonus gift of the returned hat.

Paul isn’t’ just surviving as the Maker of Earth watches over him, he is thriving. I think it’s time for this Mom to back up a bit, resign as the Mayor and just become part of the village. I can attest to how God has used the village in the past and I look forward to being a part of it.

This Villager, however, will be enforcing a Life Vest Ordinance more often!

IMG_5275

1 Comment

Filed under Big Kids, family, Life, Parenting, Trauma-mama, Uncategorized

Dear Friend,

IMG_0585I’ve been writing and re-writing this Thank You note in my mind for days and the truth is, I can’t quite figure out how to write it yet. You see, there is no way I can explain what your kind deeds have meant to me without first telling you all the negative things that have been going on in my life and I think you know me well enough to know that I’m not a negative person. So, in the interest of trying to explain and in the hopes of being vague enough to not cause more grief, I thought I’d let you know how important your kind acts have been!
This spring there has been a war raging in our home. Nothing big enough to make the papers, but it has been a constant deluge of bad situations. Every day, I was confronted with something, figured out a way to handle it, and the next day it was a new surprising event. God is good and continued to show me grace and favor in the midst of the chaos. (Note: I said “in the midst” He did not shield me from the chaos but was beside me!) My son had some major trauma that was not in his control. No one should have to deal with what that boy had to deal with and all of it during his senior year. You know, that year that is supposed to be full of rainbows and dreams? His was full of doubt, trauma and an ugliness that I can’t even begin to imagine. Not knowing how to cope, he acted out with bad behaviors of his own which caused him even more pain. And, as his pain increased, his parents’ pain increased. And though his trauma took center stage there was a lot of other things going on in our lives too that we had to contend with.
That’s where you come in. You will never know what your kind words meant to me. The note, the card, the meal, the call, the hug, the plant, the text, the shoulder to cry on, the idea,  and the desire to lessen our pain in any way did not go unnoticed. Now, if you friend, were unaware of the struggles we were facing, you helped simply by being you. You made me smile, you encouraged me by assuming that everything was “normal.” You went for a walk with me, sewed a costume, mentioned mimosas, rolled your eyes, gave me a pedicure, shared an empathetic nod, and changed back into clothes to go out with me after you had already put on your PJ’s. You showed up for no reason and just were there for me. You asked me to do something and thought I was capable when I didn’t feel like I was capable of anything. If I eluded to some struggles you lifted me up in prayer. (I know you did, because I could feel it!)
I desperately want to share more with you. I want you to know how bad the details are so that I can then tell you how good my God is, but I don’t think that would serve Him well. I want to tell my side of the story to counter what may be being shared around town, but I won’t. I’ll simply thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my lifeline and helping me celebrate spring and all of it’s successes. I refer to this time as the season of Blessings and Burdens and I’ve had my share of both! You have been a blessing.  Thanks again!

decorative-line-clipart-clipart-panda-free-clipart-images-ezxo3g-clipart

Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.      

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.                                                                         –1 Kings 19:3-7

Leave a comment

Filed under Adoptive, Big Kids, family, Inspirational, Life, Little Kids, Parenting, Scriptures, Trauma-mama, Uncategorized

The Good Friday Story

aa0e1ad2d67bf1ce0bd254d3a3601881_is-clipart-sore-feet_301-279Maybe not THE Good Friday story, but definitely in our family, the following story is referred to often.  Paul will say, “Does she know the Good Friday story?” or “You should tell him the Good Friday story.”  It is definitely a story that has survived the years and the telling.

It was a good Friday, the Friday before Easter and my kids had the day off of school. They were 13,11, 9 and Paul was 4.  We didn’t have plans for the day except for my nephew coming to install a new kitchen floor for us so the kids were all in their separate rooms, probably playing a video game of their choosing.  My friend who is a pastor’s wife called and said that our family should join her church family for their cross walk.  Annually this group of worshipers carry a wooden cross through the streets of town to represent Jesus carrying the cross to His crucifixion. Of course, I thought it was a good idea, but my older kids were reluctant to be drug away from their activities.  I nagged at them to remind them of the true reason for the season and that they should thank Jesus that they were out of school for the day.  They were donning their hats, gloves, and coats as I nagged and preached.  It’s what moms do to instill righteous guilt during the Easter season. We arrived at the church complete with somber scowls and bad attitudes. Between taking their turn carrying the cross, they would come to me and whine, “I have snow in my hood.” “My socks are wet.” “My glove has a hole in it and my fingers are cold.”  Each complaint was met with my canned answer. “Jesus suffered a lot more than this, so keep going.” Each time, they came to me with their complaint and I responded with the same answer.  Last but not least, Paul came up to me and quietly said, “Before I say anything, I want you to know something…Jesus was NOT wearing these shoes!!!”  I gasped!  You see, Paul had a physical disability and had received new orthotics the day before. He received these braces that fit inside his shoes with the instructions that he was to wear them for an hour, then take them off for two hours, then try to wear them for another hour and then take a break for two hours until his feet adjusted to wearing them.  I had totally forgotten that he had them on as I whisked him out the door.  The poor kid’s feet were swollen on the bottom and I didn’t carry the cross to the church, but I carried him to the church.  I’m not sure if scripture says what kind of shoes Jesus was wearing that day, I don’t believe any and at that moment, Paul wishes he would’ve been the same.

1 Comment

Filed under Big Kids, family, Inspirational, Little Kids, Parenting, Uncategorized